Personal

Yes

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 01:39:37 -0400

And everything I tell you is a lie, because the truth is when I get out of here this time I’m done I’m gone forever, you won’t see me before I die again? I’m surprised you even got too. I’m a mystery but keep me close because if you let go, I might not be here tommorow.

Lip

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 22:08:25 -0500

I just know better. Better than to fall, to let myself become vulnerable, to begin an obsession,

The way you touch me, I get a rush.

Sun, 23 Sep 2012 00:17:35 -0400

The way you touch me, I get a rush.

For the first time in my entire fucked up, overly fast moving life, was I asked on a real date....

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 04:40:46 -0400

For the first time in my entire fucked up, overly fast moving life, was I asked on a real date. That has never happened before. No one has ever sat me down and said “would you like to go out with me Saturday?” You are by far, the first guy I have ever dated with manners.

Wow.

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 17:00:28 -0400

It’s fucking amazing, I’ve fallen for guys before, But I’ve never had my chest clench up so tight..

Blank.

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 16:00:10 -0400

Everything in my mind is just blank. I’m going into this expecting the worse.. Because whenever I get comfortably happy, It all goes to ruins. The hardest thing is wanting to be happy, But to afraid to let it happen. Whenever I feel happy, I just think back to all the times I’ve been hurt, & it scares the happiness right out of me, & there I am blank minded because I have no idea what to do. I feel that everything in my life happening right now, Is way to good to be true. & When somethings to good to be true, That usually means it’s not true.

That way that she looked at you today, & the way that she touched you.. It drives me nuts, and I can’t get it out of my head. The fear of being hurt, the fear of being alone, the fear of being happy… I’m not scared of any living thing, Dyeing, or Getting jumped. I am just horribly terrified of emotions.

You're a touch, Over rated.

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 21:37:00 -0400

As the days go on, I start picking up on more and more. I’ve known the kid for a week, and somehow I feel like it’s been forever, even though he doesn’t open up about things. But there is some things I don’t either. It’s just the fact that I think you care, It just makes me nervous not knowing what is going to happen.

& I just want you to know,If I could take whatever happened to you and put it on me, I would.

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 17:21:49 -0400

Maybe you’re not the same, But if you are, You should get an award for the best game ever played. You’re life, It’s like the most mysterious book I’ve ever read, It’s got me so curious, But It’s like a book that doesn’t have a middle or an end, It just stays in the beginning and just taunting me with questions but no answer.. Is it possible you could have a life as fucked up as mine too?

screwed

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 20:48:33 -0400

Please don’t let this control me, Don’t let the bad thoughts come back. Why am I sad, It doesn’t make sense but it’s not okay. It’s not okay to have those suicidal thoughts again, It’s not okay to compulsively obsess over it either, It’s not okay to know there’s a way out but do nothing about it, But I’ve always wanted this so why not take it. What could be so bad about never waking up again? Family? I put my mother under enough stress and she wont ever admit this, But If I just died she wouldn’t have to sit up all night keeping an eye on me, Making sure I’m still breathing, wondering when I’ll come home.. All the stress would be lifted because then there would be no more worrying. All of it would just be gone. The only thing she’d have to lose is her daughter. But things will never get better with me. I’m always going to want to smoke weed, do I want to do pills ? fuck no, Inhailents? fuck more no, I just want to smoke weed & occasionally drink a beer. But will that ever be accepted in this family? No, because the doctors brainwashed my mother. But what they don’t understand is a lot of kids would just grow out of it. & What they really don’t understand, is how much it fucking sucks to not be able to go out with friends to a party. I’ll never be able to do that when I’m a teenager,& it sucks to know that when I look back on my teen years, my life was shit. I never wanted to grow old, I just wanted to live for the moment in my growing up years, only wanted to live till I was 30, Been able to look down and say, I had so much fucking fun. My life was worth it. But now it’s just not.I hate even looking back on it and thinking about it, It all happened so wrong. GOD DAMNIT WHAT THE FUCK

Come on step up your game, you know what they do & how they play it, so why do You let them in...

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 19:06:23 -0400

Come on step up your game, you know what they do & how they play it, so why do You let them in constantly? You’re so close to giving in again & getting the same reputation that you had. Why why why, Is it so hard for me, all the signs are there, all the steps he’s taking, it’s all the same, that the other ones did to play you. They fuck you once or twice and leave. Do you really want someone to hurt you again, Especially someone you would have to see every day? Someone who can build there way in, Just to say let’s be friends? Things will never change for you, you’ll never be taken seriously. Ever. This is your chance, you’re a million miles from home, So don’t make the same stupid mistakes.

I seriously need to stop letting my social anxiety get the best of me. It’s done nothing but...

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:53:56 -0400

I seriously need to stop letting my social anxiety get the best of me. It’s done nothing but make me self concious and live in a bubble.

My life is not normal, I’m tired as fuck. Ill do this latah

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 00:23:58 -0400

My life is not normal, I’m tired as fuck. Ill do this latah

plan. Snort some, get really fucked up first basically. go in there, take all of the other ones.. in...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 21:43:51 -0400

plan.

Snort some, get really fucked up first basically.

go in there, take all of the other ones.. in the pill cases.

Then drink any cough syrup i see, Then ill chug the shit out of an alcholic bev,

Then come into my room and “sleep”

Ugh, I fucking hate my life. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go back home.. I like it better...

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 20:29:22 -0400

Ugh, I fucking hate my life. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go back home.. I like it better down here and everything.. But I don’t like our living situations.. Not to mention I haven’t made any friends.. We have an upgrade on our phones and everyone has a new phone, including me, But it’s a fucking flip phone. & My mom tells me she’s saving it for someone who needs it. Like fuck you dude, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in my damn school with a flip phone.. It’s embarrassing.

I’m sick of being poor, & I’m sick of hearing how poor we are. I honestly don’t want to hear it. We live with my moms friend, so we don’t pay rent, We only pay half the amount for groceries. She doesn’t pay the phone bill, or anything else for that matter. So please mother, Tell me exactly how we don’t have fucking money? It doesn’t even make sense. The only other thing she buys is fucking gas and cigarettes. Not to mention living in a house, where a two year old, & a nine year old get nicer things than you…It fucking sucks. The kid has two computers, A ps3 & like every game they have in Game stop. Jealous? Yeah a little. Especially when I see freshman have fucking Iphones, & even kids younger then that, It drives me fucking nuts.

I go back to school after two and a half years, and that’s not even enough. She just has to push me more and more. I’m really debating on going back to Chicago.

I keep trying to knock out all these deppressing thoughts but they just wont go away.

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 21:35:17 -0400

I keep trying to knock out all these deppressing thoughts but they just wont go away.

My life sucks, all’s I want to do is smoke bud, but like it’s next to impossible.. I can...

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 17:00:14 -0400

My life sucks, all’s I want to do is smoke bud, but like it’s next to impossible.. I can feel the drug fiending coming back since its been so long and I can’t smoke bud.

I am so exhausted. School is killing me, and coming home to this house is even worse. I wish we...

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:39:12 -0400

I am so exhausted. School is killing me, and coming home to this house is even worse. I wish we would just get our own house so I wouldn’t have to deal with these damn kids.

First day of school

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 21:20:57 -0400

School first day, No idea how I made it to every class without getting lost… But I did. Really awkward, sat alone at lunch like always. Being the new kid really isn’t that much fun. Especially when you’re anti-social, But inside you’re dyeing to make new friends. Life’s lonely, we need friends. Of course you have the cocky senors, & the wanna be hollister models, but not as bad as the last school. Classes with mostly freshman & some sophmores, Sucks when you should be a junior. It helps a lot more with the anxiety though. Didn’t fall asleep, except I wish we had more work, first day of school always sucks, I just want to start doing work and get this year done & over as fast as possible. Today really took me back to freshman year, considering that’s the only time I was actually in school, for the most part. Real weird. It’s still fun to laugh at all the prep little skank bags that think there hot shit. I really need to get my ID but I keep putting it off. I wish there were russian people. Whatever, the ambien should be kicking in soon. So I will be in my happy place then <3

So today, the family brought home a cat, and she has five broken ribs :( She’s the sweetest...

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 17:45:34 -0400

So today, the family brought home a cat, and she has five broken ribs :( She’s the sweetest thing ever though.

School starts Tommorow, & thank god I figured out what even and odd days mean. I’m nervous already & I have no idea what the fuck that meant. I’m really tired, and so sick of babysitting. I just want school to come so that I can just focus on getting caught up with my work. Fucking bus comes at 6:34, WAY TO EARLY. But whatever, I’m just excited to be taking french :)

Awkward.

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 12:19:21 -0400

Just made my day, she’s back with matty :)